How do I break up?

After our first night out we saw each other every day. I was not a very kind girl. I was doubting. What was I thinking?? He love me! How can I be encourage him when I do not have any feelings at all?

Well, I had one feeling. I enjoyed being together with him. I did want to see him every day. I enjoyed our times together. We never told anything to our friend that didn't want us to be together. I was ashamed. I had broke a trust. But I could do nothing. Cause I didn't think there was nothing wrong other than I had been with one of his friends that he did not want me to be with....yeah....it was not right...

But it was so right!

I had a friend over with her boyfriend, or if they were married already then...anyway. They stayed at my place. We met A, I called him. We even went out together to the nightclub. When coming home we went via the grill to pick something to eat. Me and A shared one dish, they were that big. That grill is no longer there. We missed it when it closed.

We sat on one bench, talking, laughing, eating. Then we said good night, I went with my friends and he went home. They started to asked me about him. They told me that I love him. I laughed and told them they were crazy. I did my very best to actually keep the subject away. But they did not give up! They claimed that they saw it from the way we were kissing in the line to get food. Were we kissing? I'd say no! I didn't kiss him outside before I was certain of the way I felt about him. ...or did I??

What they said got to me. I could not love him! How can I not know that I love him?? I had tried to figure out a way to end this before it got to serious. I wanted to end it, but I did not want him to he hurt, I wanted him to realize himself that I was not the girl for him! Oh the methods I tried!

Once I hurt him so bad! I hurt him so bad, that I realized I never ever wanted to see him that hurt! But if I would not have, I would not have known how that made me feel, so I do not know if that was just something we had to live through. The solutions to the problems I gave him was just awesome! But could it really be true that I love him without even knowing?

I looked through the pictures I had of him, and all of a sudden there is a picture of me.....with eyes sparkling in a way that I look like I am the most happiest woman on earth. I look at the picture. And I know, A is the one taking the picture. I realize that when he tells me "You don't look at anybody else the way you look at me" is true. I can no longer answer "I can't look at you anyway else, I look at everybody the same!". Because I have never, never ever seen myself that happy.

Finally, when I sit in his lap, with arms around him. Not thinking about anything. The thought runs through my head, so fast that I even open my eyes in surprise. The feeling is so strong and so true.

I LOVE YOU and I am never letting you go! You are the best thing that have ever happened to me!

The journey with you is filled with rocks and stoned, sometimes we fall, sometimes we have to turn around to find another way. But we will not get lost. We will find the way to be together.

Because a feeling this strong. Happens once in a lifetime. IF you are lucky.

I am lucky you are stubborn and knew what you wanted and what you felt, when I was still struggling in the dark and could not see what I had right in front of my eyes.

Feeling of protection

We were at the nightclub, first time I was out with A. I did not know him that well. We were there with some common friends. In the same building my ex was working. I was then and still am very good friend with my ex, so I wanted to go up and say Hi to him.

I did not say that I wanted to go talk to my ex, I only said that I wanted to go upstairs for a while. My friends had just sat down at a table, so it was the perfect time for me to sneak away for a couple of minutes to talk to my ex and then come back. What I did not plan was that A would reply that he is coming with me. I got surprised. I froze. I thought about the fact that me and my ex had just separated some months ago, I thought about the fact that he might not want to see me with another man, together with him or not. At least not yet. No alternatives made it through my brain. And I realized I have to say something, so I said "Okay", then we turned and walked upstairs. So many things went through my head, but going upstairs and showing myself with a strange man, NOT greeting my ex would be even worse, so I came up, went straight to my ex and said hi, then I turned to A and introduced my ex "This is my ex" I turned to my ex and introduced A. A left us and went a couple of meters away. Of course my ex had something funny to say about A (and it wasn't bad, I even told A about it right away when I went back to him) and we chatted for a couple of minutes. Then I said I need to go back to A. We went together downstairs and back to our friends. I wanted to dance, so I asked my friend, B, to dance. He didn't want to, so I begged again. He still did not want to so he said just dance with A, he likes to dance! I looked at A, I looked at B....B did not want me to be together with A...I was confused. I looked at A and grabbed his arm and asked him to come dance with me.

We danced, and I realized that he kept an eye on our friend, cause he also knew he did not want us to be together. This just made him even more interesting. I forgot about the fact that I do not want a relationship.

Later in the evening I saw a girl that I knew was under aged. I told the guards about it and she got thrown out. After that I was alone at the dance-floor cause nobody was in the mood to dance. Suddenly a girl appears in front of me, the sister to the under aged one. She was intimidation, she threatened me. I tried to stay calm, but my stomach was a mess, I was scared. The only thing I could do was to stand there and listen to her, trying to talk to her and try to calm her down. I do not know if there was even anybody else around. She calms down a bit but she leaves me with another If I ever talk bad about her sister again she will kill me!

I was left at the dance floor. I had lost my want to dance. I was shaking. I turned and walked to the table where my friends were. I needed to tell them what had happened. I was almost there when somebody grabbed my arm, I spinned around and I look into A:s eyes as he asks me what happened. I was surprised. He had from a distance realized I was not okay. I do not know if he saw me on the dance floor or if he just saw me coming. I could right away tell what had happened to somebody that actually cared. He was not happy to hear what had happened.

I went to the guards to see if they remember that under aged girl so that she will not come in ever again. They said they do. I told them good, cause the sister threatened me to death. The guard was chocked. Well, she needs to be trowed out too, cause that is illegal treating. (Is there any legal threatening?).

She was finally found and trowed out. And I did not need to point her out. She got to know a different reason why she was trowed out.

It didn't take long before a girl arrived to out table. I got introduced and she leaned in, just as she recognized me and asked me to come and talk to her. I saw no reason not to, so I let her lead me away. I had taken about 2 steps when A grabbed me again and asked what was going on (he knew I did not know this girl), she assured him that it was okay, and I said that I was okay, so he let me go, but he was not happy about it.

I talked to the girl and it turned out that she wanted me to come explain something to the guards. I didn't understand everything, but I agreed. I came outside and stood eye to eye with the girl that wanted to kill me! Seeing her again made me take one step back! I was scared! That was my first reaction! I told myself I can be calm, I was surrounded with 3 guard. So when she saw me and came towards me I took a deep breath and went to her.

She asked me to explain to the guards that I did not call her a bitch! I was surprised (again) for a moment, then I found myself and said, no, you did not call me a bitch, you said that you would kill me, that is worse! She talked to me for a while, tried to get me to talk to the guards to let her back in. I told her I do not have the power to change their decision. Finally she apologized (but not let back in) and I accepted her apology. As I talk to her I happened to look through the door. And who is there to make sure that I am alright...A.

When I come back inside, he is tired of dancing and wants us to sit down. He sits in the couch with his arm along the back of the couch. I look at the arm, I think about what it would mean to sit next to him, with his arm behind me. I smile and I sit down next to him. He informs me that he will walk me home, to make sure that I arrive home safely. He tells me "Jag älskar dig"

I ask him if he knows what it means. He tells me yes, it means "I love you"

I accept that he loves me. But I am still scared. I am not ready for this kind of love. The kind that is 24/7 even when we are not even together.

Annoying!

I have heard so many times that if somebody likes you they are annoying, they keep bugging you and pulling girls hair and bla bla bla...I do not like the explanation "they like you, that is why they act like that!" that is not seeing a problem!

Anyway.

I was at a friends place almost every day for 2 summers ago. I enjoyed it there, I had a friend that I could spend hours and hours with without realizing the time was passing. I liked to listen to him talk and also commenting once in a while, but for the most part I liked to be listening. Every once in a while he had some other friends over too. I liked them also, and we had so much fun!

Then there was this one guy, that I didn't talk to that much. He was there, but he was different. And as time went by I started to get annoyed with him. The music he played, the way he was.... starting to get under my skin. He also claimed that me and my friend were together, that we had feelings for each other. I was laughing, I did not want a relationship and I had no feelings other than friendship. I replied that he can call us what ever he wants. My friend on the other hand did not like it and tried all to convince the other guy that there was nothing between us.

Then my friend started to tell me that this guy has feelings for me. I was still laughing. I did not want a relationship, and as this one had feelings for me, I did not want anything to do with him. But he kept telling me how this guy feels about me. And at the same time warning me, because he did not want him to be playing with me and my feelings.

I can understand the feeling of protecting a friend, as he has lost friends just cause others have played with their hearts.

Despite everything that he told me and despite everything I did not feel....he once told me something that I replied "Tell him to try!". I was convinced that what ever he does, he will never win my heart. From that moment, and I remember that moment really clearly, there was a spark inside me. I got interested about this annoying boy. What is it that makes him feel so strongly about me? When we have not even been talking?

And once I was there again, at my friends place. I was having my day turned wrong, I couldn't sleep in the night. And sometimes it helps if I just remove one night and start over. So I wanted to go out. I wanted to go out partying and have fun! And this annoying boy, A, wanted to join. I thought that would be awesome! Just let's go! I still knew what my friend would be thinking, as he did not want us to be together, I wanted him also to join. And finally we managed to talk him into coming. And also another friend joined.

As we left the apartment I got a mission. To find a girl to A, I thought it was a joke so I said yes of course! When I then realized he was not joking I couldn't figure out a way to say, yeah well....I was joking... Who was I supposed to introduce him to? I found him annoying! (Yes, I have said it before!)

As we biked into town and waited for the other friend to arrive, I for the first time actually talked to him. Because he kept reminding me about my promise. And he made me laugh! I pointed out girls that would be good, and pretended to be sad when they had already passed.

We started to talk about where we wanted to go, and I have my favorite place. I said I want to go there. My friend wanted to go to another place, for A it made no difference. Finally we saw that the line to the place where my friend wanted to go to was sooooo long, we decided to go where I wanted to go. I went to check the price as they waited. And when I walked away A shouted "Jag älskar dig!" behind me. I was surprised  of course, but I know that in his culture you can say I love you early in a relationship, and also, I did not know if he knows the meaning of it. So I turned around, put my hands over my heart and sounded "Aaaaw!" then continued walking.