I am here. Where I have been for so many months. I never counted the time. It is time that is going on while I am not aware of it. Biking home one day last week I was thinking how long I have been away from my love. I realized. It must be 3 months. 3 months in reality? No, far from it! But I beg of you! Do not tell me the truth! I live in my bubble. And in my bubble time does not pass the way it does outside.Outside the real life keeps going on. It is said that it has been autumn, we have had Halloween. Yes I was dressed up. But I can do that any regular Monday. The most difficult for me to understand was that Christmas was coming...how can it be Christmas? It is only August? And how did I cope with New Years? That was simple. I was working! Just a regular night at the nightclub.
People at work are getting pretty sick and tired of me singing Jingle bells.The Swedish beginning is "outside snow is falling" what the English version is I have no idea. I am happy for the snow finally arriving! I will probably have Christmas soon. I will wait until I feel I am in the mood.
In the mean time I am experiencing a lack of location. When I lay in my bed at night, ready to sleep. I am not in my bedroom. I am not in this country. I am in a hotel room thousands of kilometers from here. The only thing that keeps me from fading away with my memory is that my apartment is constantly cold. You think?! Not a chance! Because in the hotel room there is an AC and a fan that keeps the room cool on the verge of being cold. I remember the sheets. I remember how it looks. Opening my eyes will not help much. My bedroom lays in darkness.
That is not the only time. Sometimes I drift away. Not in my mind, but in my feeling. I am not here. It's been to long! How can a human survive under such conditions? There is no treat! I have no reason to be afraid. I have no reason to flee my country, my town or my home. But still I live under these conditions.
I am expected to smile. I am expected not to complain. I am expected not to cry. Because that is terrible burden for the people that does not know what to say or how to handle me. Terrible. And I understand. What can anybody say? There is no comfort. No soft words that will lighten my heart.
Only my bubble. Where I do not know where I am or what time has passed. Yesterday I was in Lagos. Sadly I did not see my husband because not even my mind can fool me that much. But being there is comforting, because that means that it was not that long ago that I saw him the last time ♥
If you think I live in a lie and think I should wake up and face the truth.
Please realize that I will be crying my eyes out, I will not be smiling, I have no reason to eat or clean, because all my energy will go to keeping the reality from blowing me into pieces.
I am in a bubble. And the real life is what is going on outside ♥ I wish that sometimes soon the inside of my bubble will match the reality on the outside!
Pray! Keep your thumbs up! Send good wishes! Anything that will send positivity to the world is well valued ♥
